How to Not Kill Your Husband 101

I’ve been trying to figure out for the past few weeks how to write this in away that won’t be held against me later on in court, in the strange event that something does actually happen to my husband and for some reason it looks like I did it. Let me preface by saying: I don’t ACTUALLY want to kill my husband. I think that sometimes I get so irritated with him that I think I want to kill him, but I don’t. He’s just happens to be irritating me at that particular point in time and I don’t know how to handle it.

Is this what marriage is? Dealing with someone whom you love so much, yet at the same time can’t stand the sight of, but yet if they weren’t around you’d be sad? Just me? Probably. Lorenzo irritates me sometimes. Half the time I don’t know why, but I just really understand why some women keep cast iron skillets in the house. They are not just for grilled cheese sandwiches. I don’t even know if he knows that I want to strangle him sometimes. I think he does though…I can’t hide my facial expressions.

I asked my sister if she ever felt this way with her fiancé. She agreed. She said she really wants to kill him sometimes, but then she knows she’ll be pissed at him for actually dying so she doesn’t chance it. I remember having dinner one night with another couple, I am not even sure what happened but one minute everything was cool and then the next thing I know my friend is calling her fiancé annoying. He asked what he did, she said, “You’re breathing. You breathing annoys me. Ughh, you’re so annoying.” After a minute, Lorenzo laughed. I looked at him like he was crazy and said, “What are you laughing at? You’re annoying too.” I had to ask my friend who’s been with her husband for a total of 20 years how she doesn’t kill her husband every week. Her answer, with no hesitation: lots of prayer.

Am I just crazy? Seriously, that’s a real question because its like, one minute I love, love, love him, he’s #BAE, and he can do no wrong; and the next I want to throw things at him. Or vice versa; he’ll purposely do things to get under my skin then turn around and be super sweet (usually in the form of getting me food). Maybe I’m just hungry. I don’t know. And I’m about 175% sure I get on his last nerve as well, but if I ask he’ll probably feel like I’m trying to set him up or something, so I’ll never get an honest answer. On a good day.


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If I’m Cursing, I’m Not Trying to be a Lady

I had military training this past weekend and one of my friends was bothering me. When we arrived to our barracks we had to wait for someone to get keys. A friend of mine walked over to me and said:

“The females have to sleep outside” To which I promptly responded, “Fuck that.”

He laughed and said that he can never quite get used to me cursing because even though he knows that I do, that I don’t look like I do so it always throws him off.

I use profanity and I like to use it quite often. I’ve been doing it (properly) since I was 18. I’ve tried to quit in the past, and even had a swear jar at work for a few months (yes… MONTHS)…twice, but I can never seem to kick the habit completely. Why? I guess because deep down I really don’t want to. One of the biggest annoyances I have about it is that when people turn to me and say, “Its not ladylike”, especially coming from someone in the military, because dude…really? If I’m dropping f-bombs like nobody’s business, the LAST thing I’m trying to do is be a “lady”. I don’t know if I ever really was  one, but that’s another story for another day.


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Now don’t get me wrong, I do have some self control. I don’t curse around children or my elders (mother-in-law, my father, older family members/friends), professional settings, etc. so its not that I don’t have enough words in my vocabulary to express what I’m trying to say without cursing, its just something I choose to do. Its something I like to do. Most of the people in my life curse as well, including some coworkers so I am  almost surrounded by people who are fellow profanity users. Which probably doesn’t help…

I think for me that swearing is one of those things that I will just stop doing when I’m just tired of doing it, like when people smoke for 30 years and then just quit cold turkey and never go back. I think for now I still do it for shock value; I get a kick out of the faces that people make when they hear me curse for the first time…or the 70th (some never really get used to it). I always say that if I had my own kid I would finally quit, but then I think about all my friends who curse their kids out on a regular basis. I mean, I learned profanity from MY parents…so there’s that. Oh well.


I’m Quiet, but I’m Secretly Judging You

Growing up I had a really bad case of diarrhea of the mouth. I literally didn’t think before I spoke which always prompted my father to say, “P, think before you speak.” I didn’t know what he meant by this. Other adults in my life just dubbed me as a “smart ass”instead of just either engaging my curiosity or just telling me they didn’t know; I think it was just easier for them to get angry and make it seem like something was wrong with me for asking questions. I realized later on that some of the things I used to say were kind of hurtful and overly opinionated, when I just thought I was being honest.

Even though I’ve never been one to sugar coat, I have learned that not every action deserves my reaction. Just because someone is venting to me, it doesn’t mean that they are asking for my opinion on the matter (I’ve actually gotten to the point that I don’t even offer an opinion unless it’s asked of me). Some of my friends and I have had disagreements because of my “direct” and “honest” approach. I just don’t feel like I should validate your feelings just because we’re friends- if I think you’re wrong, then I’m going to say that. People really don’t get much sympathy from me when they complain about things they can’t control- and its even worse when they complain about things they CAN control but choose not to do anything about it. Like…what?


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So now, I just let people talk. I let people say crazy things while I just blink and stare because: A)  it doesn’t directly affect me, B) I’m not going to do anything about it, and nor do I want to, or C) they really don’t know they’re talking about and its a complete waste of my time to try to persuade anyone’s opinion. So I don’t say anything when people tell me their crazy weight loss plans of starving themselves for a few weeks, instead of eating foods that are actually good for you and exercising; or that they are “too old” to learn to eat better. I say nothing as people tell my husband and I how we should plan our lives, spend our money, and how many potential children we should have. I keep quiet as people get extremely emotional about things that will have zero effect on them, like how celebrities choose to spend their money (Lorenzo actually laughs at people who do this on social media).


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Even though I’ve learned to control my brain-to-mouth filter, I’m still secretly judging some of you. Just know that. I think most people are full of it and don’t know how to practice critical thinking skills. Some people need to learn to look at the bigger picture, others need to do research before spewing out half truths  mixed with personal opinions as if they’re actual facts (Seriously, just because someone is loud or aggressive about a point doesn’t mean they’re right). It all just reminds me of a quote by Abraham Lincoln-

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.


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